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22.07.2016

Last month I said something about fear and how one should avoid some of the fears that stop’s one from growing. Here are my thoughts on what I think about it now.

As I tried that method I realised there are some fears that needs a lot of time and preparation to face and maybe even sometimes help from a trusted person. And there is this other kind of fear that you get addicted to, addicted to how it makes you feel and how it cripples under your skin every time you feel the fear rising. That is the kind of fear I was talking about in my earlier post. In this one month I tried my best to give my that kind of fear words or a voice. But I have to say it was one of the most of difficult thing I have done for myself.

What I did was, when every time I felt the fear rising I wrote the time, what I did earlier and all the possible points of how it could lead to wake my fear. At the beginning it felt stupid and I couldn’t get myself to write it or say it out loud but within couple of weeks I got the grip of it and I was writing and recording smoothly. I started seeing a pattern of thoughts, situations and habits that lead my fears to come up. After knowing this I confronted myself and my fears. As I was doing this I felt my heart tighten and my whole body sweaty and I let myself imagine the worst possible thing that could happen to me. This was the turning point for me as I imagined the worst, I felt less scared and reasoned with myself about how much will be the possibility of something like that to happen and it was less than 10 percent. After doing this couple of times I felt better each time but in a funny way I felt empty, I felt like I am missing something. Then I realised I have been addicted to my fear. As it is with every addiction I let myself find a substitute and I am still looking for it. I wouldn’t say I am completely over my fear but I feel more comfortable and I am not afraid to confront it.

„We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light“. Plato

 

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